Archive for March 2012

Does Sex Addiction Really Exist?

There are two camps when it comes to sex addiction: those who believe it is a real affliction; and those who don't.

I'm in the "don't" camp. Sexual addiction is, in my opinion, an easy and convenient label for a very complicated problem. As it stands, there is a lack of empirical evidence and scientific agreement on whether such a condition exists.

You see, the trick to what makes up a sex addiction is defining what are 'normal' sexual pursuits. An exercise in subjectivity as every person has their own comfort level and preference: some people want sex three times a day (or more); some have exotic tastes; others favor vanilla sex.

Consequently, it's extremely difficult to do any scientific study that can set guidelines to say what is an acceptable way to express sexuality.

That said, when you look at what sex addiction advocates have developed over the last 15 years, their standards are a moral judgment--rather than scientific conclusion--based around a heterosexual, monogamous, long term sex lifestyle. Other forms of sexual expression outside these boundaries could be construed as a sex addiction.

Apparently a lot of people agree with this belief system as over the last few years we see the term sex addiction popping up all over the media. In fact, Oprah and Dr. Phil have christened it as a real condition. Dr. Drew Pinsky has an incredibly popular television show helping "B" list celebrities.

Not surprisingly, all this media attention has filtered down to the average couple. I get countless inquiries from people asking how to help their 'sex addicted' partner. When they explain their situation, it's usually a gross self-misdiagnosis: "He wants sex everyday. I think he's an addict."

Please understand, it can be incredibly harmful to a couple's wellbeing when an incorrect diagnosis is put on their sexual dilemma(s). When you self diagnosis, it's difficult to impartially gage if the behavior is obsessive and harmful to you and your partner; or (more likely) you're uncomfortable with the behavior and don't know how to manage the circumstance.

However, all my nitpicking does not help an individual or couple who is in the middle of a serious sexual struggle.

After eight years together, one couple revealed their marriage started to unravel quickly. The husband was having an affair, compulsively self pleasuring as well as seeking out sex workers.

His wife decided to work on saving their marriage. She first started to read books and research the web. After trying a combined eight different counselors, they both felt they were getting nowhere fast.

It was only when she stumbled upon the term sex addiction, she says everything clicked into place and their situation made sense. Author, Patrick Carnes, defines sexual addiction as, "any sexually-related, compulsive behavior which interferes with normal living and causes severe stress on family, friends, loved ones and one's work environment."

After they took Carne's on-line test, it showed the husband was a sex addict. He started to attend Sex Addicts Anonymous (SAA) and she S-Anon meetings. Both of them agree that SAA and S-Anon has been instrumental in fixing and changing the way they are as a couple, parents and individuals.

He confides, "It is the only place where I can be 100% completely open. I feel like I belong." They are grateful both groups have taken away the shame and stigma of what was happening in his sex and their overall life.

In this situation, the husband caused "severe stress on family, friends, loved ones and one's work environment", as well as possibly giving STIs to his partner. Obviously, it's a good thing when someone can get immediate and free help if they feel their sexual behavior is out of control.

Yet, it's been my experience this is the rare exception and not the norm. For the record here are a few things that are normal sexual behaviors.
• If a person has a high sex drive and wants sex far more than their partner
• If a person wants to experiment in outside the heterosexual, monogamous boundaries and try such things as S&M, swinging or cyber sex
• If a person wants to look at porn in moderation
If you are in the middle one of these typical couple difficulties, it's best worked through with a professional counselor.

If you feel strongly that you are dealing with a sex addiction, remember the road to recovery is not a quick fix, cease and desist the behavior immediately. It's a lengthy, soul searching process where both partners must be 100% committed to fixing themselves and their relationship.

So the next time you read that someone in the news has a sex addiction, please take it with a grain of salt. Most likely they don't. But it does make for very sexy-headline selling-news.

How to Know If Your Sex Life Is Dead

No one wants to freely admit that their sex life is really dead. Sex is an important part of really living your life to the fullest and if you are feeling like you are in a drought of sorts, it can be tough to even admit it to yourself. It's something that you have to do though, if you want to be able to bring the drought to an end and get yourself back into the swing of having sex. How do you really know when your sex life is dead?

Here are some signs that should prove that you need to find a way to spring it back to life:

1. You know more than a couple of porn stars by name and you know all about them.

It's normal to know a couple of porn stars by name, but if you can roll of ten or more names of adult film stars, chances are it is because you have been doing more than your fair share of watching videos by yourself. And if you know all about them, their likes and their dislikes, well... that pretty much seals the deal and proves that you probably could use a jump start to recharge your sexual batteries.

2. You get aroused just hearing the word sex, much less thinking about it.

When you are deprived of being able to relieve yourself sexually, then it tends to become something that you think about a lot. And it also tends to manifest itself in the funniest of ways, like getting turned on just by hearing the word sex, or by something as simple as a light breeze. If you find that you have been thinking about sex an awful lot and you have no real way of release, then you can bet that your sex life is dead. And no, it does not really count if your release comes when you are all alone.

3. You take a look at the expiration dates on your condoms and you realize that they are all expired.

Just about every guy has that drawer where the condoms get stashed away, and if fumbling through them you realize that they are all out of date, then you know that it's been more than just a little while since you have gotten laid. When you see that you are getting past the expiration dates on all of your condoms, you should get the hint that something has got to give and you better find a way to enhance and wake up your sex life.

Pornography Addiction - How to Overcome Addiction to Pornography

It is only in recent years that the addiction to pornography has received the serious treatment it deserves. This is a condition that can carry some significant consequences and rip families apart. Any addiction begins by becoming a habit. The same is true of pornography.

Is it Addiction or Good, Not so Clean Fun?

The big question you must ask when it comes to identifying porn addictions is whether or not you are viewing sexually explicit material for entertainment or if you feel a need to do so. There is a fine line between casual viewing and abuse. When you can't seem to take your mind off the images, can't wait for another opportunity to view porn, or are beginning to hide this behavior from your spouse or partner you may very well be crossing the lines of fun and addiction.

Can You Walk Away?

The big question to ask yourself is this: can you walk away and resume your normal sex life with your partner without ever viewing porn again? Those who are truly suffering from an addiction to pornography often have difficulty carrying on normal sexual relationships without first viewing pornography or at the very least visualizing the pornographic material they have recently viewed. Can you put it down for good and resume your life without needing that stimulation? If the answer is no, it is a good idea to seek treatment for your addiction to pornography.

How Can NLP and Hypnotherapy Help?

Viewing porn is a mental thing for most people. It provides a mental high or good feeling. It isn't a physical high unless other stimulation is performed in association with the pornographic viewing. Hypnotherapy and Neuro-Linguistic Programming both rely on the power of the subconscious to bring about deliberate and conscious changes in behavior. If you are reading this chances are that you recognize behavior you aren't pleased with in your life and are trying to find a way to change these behavior patterns.

The hope is that you are making changes before things have gotten out of hand. If so, you will be glad to know that NLP and hypnotherapy combined can bring about rapid results for the treatment of an addiction to pornography. In as few as three treatments you can find yourself free of the bonds that addiction to porn leaves behind. You will find no better pornography addictions treatments available for the price and can enjoy total anonymity that is lacking in almost any other treatment setting.

If you are struggling with an addiction to pornography, you owe it to yourself, your family, and your partner to seek the help you need to overcome this painful addiction today. There is no way of undoing the potential damage that can come about as a result of this addiction. Seeking treatment is the first step to full recovery and releasing the power of the mind for this purpose can bring quick results and a rapid path to curing your addiction to pornography today.

My Husband Loves Pornography - What Should I Do?

Is your spouse a porn addict? Do you find pornography to be the "other woman" in your relationship? Discover the Pros and Cons of Pornography and how you can help heal the addiction of your spouse!

[Q] My husband enjoys looking at pornography. I am vehemently against it. We fight about this all the time. What should I do?

[A] Pornography is a fact of life. Women have a tough time with pornography for many reasons that include insecurity, jealousy, inferiority, self-esteem and worth. If your husband enjoys pornography, take a deeper look at understanding his need for pornography, spend some time with him understanding his need first before nay saying it. When you seek to understand it, then it draws you closer to him. Fighting or telling him no, drives you both apart and makes you both less attracted to each other.

Believe it or not there is a healthy and unhealthy relationship to pornography. Think of your favorite actor of the opposite sex. When watching an intimate scene with this actor and another actor, how do you feel? This is a form of pornography, it just exists in your mind.

A healthy relationship is one that enhances or supplements our life and relationships. An unhealthy relationship is one that is obsessive and is an addiction.

So, talk to your husband and seek to understand rather than reject. Understand with empathy before rejecting.

Take a look at your life, anytime you were told not to do something or someone vehemently opposed something you were doing...did it stop you? Human Behavior is to defend our position and to continue to do something when told it is wrong or when told that it is not agreed or acceptable...all you have to do is watch the news today to see evidence of this fact. So, if you resist it, you are pushing your husband to do it more. If you accept it, then you will see that it will happen less and less over time. Participate in it, support it, and understand it...collaborate on the need for porn and work together to see if it is a healthy or unhealthy issue not from your judgment of it, but simply from dialogue and understanding.

Folks, the only reason that porn is viewed in private is because it is considered taboo in our society and spouses/partners take it personally or offensive. And this breeds anger, resentment, and drives the porn watcher to do it even more - this is where it has the potential to be unhealthy. It is a fact of life, it is out there, resisting it attracts it more, accepting it lovingly assists in healthy balance and relationships.
If this is a reason that marriages are broken or end, there is more going on than porn, porn is simply the one massive symptom that ended the relationship. Let's get real!

Too Much Porn Makes You A Lesser Lover

Contrary to what is common belief, too much porn effects our real love lives in a very big way. While it does give a certain sexual high temporarily, it can at best be described as setting the mood. However, when it comes to performance, it is quite another story. Problems With Too Much Porn

The most obvious problem with too much porn is the fact that it leads to too much self satisfaction or masturbation. This in turn gives rise to a depletion in your libido and a lack of majo- frequent masturbation gives a temporary fillip.
It leads to a definite lack of sexual desire with your partner because too much porn gives a desire to 'get on' with it without dwelling much on romance and foreplay which leaves the partner dissatisfied and with a feeling of a certain lack of connection that is so important for mutual satisfaction.
Too much porn also leads to longer refractory periods i.e. the interval between the erections. It also causes a rise in the latency period (the time taken to achieve ejaculation).
Too much porn is addictive. One often finds those used to too much porn getting restless if they do not get their regular fix
If you are indulging in too much porn, it is definitely time top sit back and reflect because besides all the problems outlined above, it would lead to a medical condition termed as "idiosyncratic masturbatory style".

What is Idiosyncratic Masturbatory Style? During masturbation the level of pressure as well as friction that a man applies is artificial and is very much higher than what it would be in the "real". This leads to him getting used to it and not getting it in real, leaves him dissatisfied as he does not get the satisfaction during a regular intercourse. Often men tend to reach a point of no return as far as their masturbation habits are concerned, winch definitely has an impact on the real life sexual encounters. One often notices that such men crave more for oral sex as well as masturbation even from their partners! Considering all these facts, you need to cut down upon too much porn in case you feel that it is interfering with your natural instincts and you have the desire to enjoy a full, more natural and more satisfying sex life with your partner. Consulting your partner would be a great idea to know if there is any major change in your style and performance arising from too much porn.

What Pornography Can Teach Men About Having Great Sex, Orgasms and Making Her Sexually Satisfied

When you think about it, pornographic movies are a little ridiculous. The men are impossibly proportioned, the sex is entirely for the man's benefit, and the man shows all the intimacy and emotional range of a sponge. In short, it is sex perfectly tailored to men! No surprises then that when we try it with our partners, the usual responses is negative... really negative.

While that might seem the end of it, most of us know (Either from personal experience or from watching the recent proliferation of sex tapes on the internet) that some people are having sex that would make any adult movie star proud. The question is: what are they doing that most guys aren't?

Women and Porn-star Sex

Most women are willing to experiment with some elements of porn-star sex, they just don't like the other elements. Unsurprisingly, women find a total lack of intimacy a huge turn-off: after all it could be anyone underneath your favorite star and he'd have sex exactly the same way! There is a key message for men everywhere: don't ever think that your hips moving like a jackrabbit can ever replace basic intimacy!

Often in these movies, the guys act in a very dominant way. While this may seem like a bad thing to try in your sex life, in fact this is often something that guys forget: just make sure not to confuse being manly with being mean! It is okay to act dominant and in-control during sex, for many women it is a key part of the sex fantasy.

In porn everything is done for the man's benefit, which is one of many reasons why women don't usually like watching it. If you want to try these kind of acts in real life, they need to be about both of your pleasures. The cowgirl, for example, is mostly used to get some 'good' shots in movies, whereas in real life it is an excellent way to give her a G-spot orgasm. However not all sex acts that take place in porn are about her pleasure, so the question is how do things that seem entirely about the guy's pleasure become something that she will want to do.

For Whose Pleasure?

That is where making sure that you have great sex is really important. Sex should always be able getting to the goal where you get pleasure from touching her and she gets pleasure from touching you. A good example of this is anal sex. A lot of guys just 'stick it in' hurting her (And possibly themselves!) in the act, however if done correctly so that you make sure that it is pleasurable to her throughout, anal sex should stimulate the erogenous zones in a different way to 'regular sex'.

While there are better ways to learn than watching these kinds of movies, there are lessons to be learned. You should never consider going out of your way to repeat the sexual acrobatics of your favorite star, but there is nothing wrong with using some techniques in the right way.

Couples and Porn - To View or Not to View

We often get asked this question when working with couples as well as individuals. Pornography, now more commonly known as "porn", has been around in various forms for thousands of years dating back to cave dweller paintings and well-endowed clay fertility statues.

On the positive side, we have found that pornography and erotica can enhance a couple's sex life by getting them in the mood. In these all too busy stressful hectic times, couples often find themselves lacking the motivation to be intimate with one another and watching a few minutes of porn can set the ball in motion. Watching porn can revitalize things up when "sexy-time" starts to become routine. Couples often figure out what their partner enjoys and fall into predictable patterns. There is nothing like the excitement of not knowing what is going to happen next to spice things up. Viewing pornography can also give partners new ideas or permission to play out various fantasies. For those on the more inhibited side when it comes to discussing sex, it may be a way to teach you and your partner how to be a better lover or explore uncharted territories you find exciting., offers a wide variety of educational films on sex and intimacy. Additionally, for those with a more adventurous side Tristan Taormina's web site,, also offers educational/instructional videos.

The downside of pornography is that with the emergence of the internet the face of pornography has drastically changed and continues to change at a rapid pace. What was just a few years ago considered "hardcore porn" is now labeled as "soft-core porn." As pornography has gotten more and more hardcore it has little resemblance to what was once considered erotica. Porn increasingly intermingle angry, misogynistic, demeaning, and forced sex themes. This past year, New Sensations released a new line of pornography called "The Romance Series" which focuses on stories of sensuality, passion, romance, commitment and connection. The series is their best seller and one of the adult movies won the Feminist Porn Award this past year - "Yes, they have annual awards." Other pornographic producers are following suit bringing the relationship and intimacy back to pornography.

One of the negative aspects of porn is that it often depicts unrealistic images of both men and women. The women are predominantly young, in great shape, and have often undergone plastic surgery. Women are also portrayed unrealistically in that they appear to be instantaneously aroused, orgasm quickly, easily and without any stimulation other than penetration. The men are well-endowed and have long-lasting erections. The end result may be that you, your partner or both of you may have unrealistic expectations about how you should look and perform sexually.

For some, another negative side effect is the possibility of addiction to pornography. Dopamine is often called the "reward" or "pleasure-giving" neurotransmitter and it is released when you are sexually excited. Additionally, endorphins are released when you orgasm giving you feelings of a peaceful, euphoric bliss. Over time neurons that fire together wire together creating neural maps in our brain that can link pornography, excitement and euphoric bliss together. This is the same area of your brain associated with other addictive behaviors. Additionally, for some viewers as the novelty wears off they become desensitized seeking higher and higher levels of stimulation for satisfaction which can lead to more graphic, aggressive, or fetishistic styles of sex as well as hours alone on the internet searching for that perfect combination.

Our word to the wise, proceed with caution. Know yourself, know your partner. If either one of you is prone to addictive behaviors or find yourself becoming more dependent on pornography as part of your sexual repertoire, you may want to ask yourself is it a prerequisite, a main course, or an occasional appetizer to spice things up?

Counter Attraction was founded by Lynn Valverde, MFT, and Leslie Davis, PsyD, in Los Angeles, California. Counter Attraction offers workshops and relationship counseling for couples. The goal of Counter Attraction is to help couples resolve relationship issues and re-kindle passion by teaching couples the skills they need to recognize where Counter Attraction exists in their relationship, how to attune to their partner through Couples Communication in ordered to come together and work through these difficult areas thereby promoting secure, resilient and successful relationships between partners. Our mission includes the ongoing expansion and refinement of the Counter Attraction model through implementation of the latest research in attachment, neuroscience, early trauma, and mindfulness.

When Love and Attraction turn to Counter Attraction. How is it that the traits we once loved, now infuriate us? How did we go from inseparable to incompatible? Counter Attraction is the driving force behind relationship conflict. Learn how to Re-connect and Re-kindle that lost Loving feeling. The Law of Counter Attraction asserts that the same ego-driven survival instincts in our brain that eventually doom 80% of all relationships to failure can actually be re-directed to create a more loving, lasting and fulfilling relationship than ever imagined, and offer unique opportunities to heal childhood wounds and insecurities.

Secret to Great Sex for Men

It is no secret, like just about every other guy in the world, ever since I was old enough, sex has consumed my mind. At the time I wasn't old enough to understand the difference between good sex, OK sex, bad sex, Great Sex... Sex was sex. And then sex was primarily internet porn, which at the time wasn't nearly as developed as it is now. This was back in the dial up days, where I was "surfing the web" with either an AOL, Compuserve, or Prodigy free trial. I guess at that time, the modems weren't fast enough to even watch videos like you can today. A picture said a thousand words. The only videos were on tapes which some friend would have found in his parents secret hiding spot in the closet. VHS Tapes, not DVDs...

I guess at that time, I assumed all sex was Great porn star sex. With the size and stamina of the porn star guys, and that all girls would take it like porn star girls. After all, porn was basically my handbook, a guide that showed me up close and personal the birds and bees (an analogy I still don't get). Tips on how to give her great sex.

But that was then and this is now. I am no longer a virgin, and I do understand the difference between the varying levels of sex, from bad to GREAT!! And reality set in as far as my sexual performance compared to porn star sex. But in the beginning, even bad sex was sex, so it was great. How to give her great sex wasn't as important. I wasn't even that interested on tips for sex. Not until later did I really learn the difference, and now that I am older, actually care about having great romps in the sack as opposed to a mediocre sprint.

My goals have changed, and I realized how much better Great Sex is compared to bad sex, or even OK sex. And don't get me wrong, OK sex isn't bad, and probably has the highest frequency, but still, when the time is there and the kids (the forget me nots from a hopefully great spin through the sheets because to have kids for a 2 minute quickie is a shame) are away at grandmom's; that is the time for GREAT sex. A night out with wifey, a nice dinner, a couple drinks, a few games of pool, a little dancing, and cap it off with a there is nobody to wake up, I am going to make you scream for your life, position after position, I wish I had this on video moment of glory that if it were anything else you would tell the kids about when they got older.

Well, I also found out the hard way that that wasn't as easy as it sounds either. Even when the kids are away, and you can do what ever you want, it doesn't always work out as planned. You're tired from a long day at work, getting older your sex drive isn't as keen as it once was, and not having sex every day (sometimes multiple times a day) like in the honeymoon years your stamina may have waned a bit from what it once was.

I have been there, done that. But I have also stumbled upon one more secret women have been keeping from us; Male Kegel Exercises. Yes, men can do them too. Just like keeping your other muscles in shape, you can keep your sex muscles (PC muscles), in shape through kegel exercises. You can do them like how women do, by clenching the muscles in your Taint (it ain't your balls, it ain't your ass), holding and releasing. Or I have also found a set that lets you do kegels like a man should, with weights.

But whatever way you decide to do the exercises, take this secret and run with it. Do it for your pre-teen self who was "surfing the web" with dreams of great porn star sex. Do it for the pornstar handbook you used as your tip giving guide. Do it for yourself, here and now. You spend your life living your for your family, take this one and do it for you. And I am sure your wife will be more than happy to get her heart racing and her juices flowing. Because that another secret. Women love sex too, but not the 1 minute in and out preceding my nap sex. Great I'm gonna make you cum twice sex (but that's an article for another time). It's a win win situation. Enjoy!!

Sex Like A Porn Star - Quick Tips To Help You Give Your Husband More

Ever asked yourself why some men cant get satisfaction from their wives, and just have to go out to ask for more? Truth is home sex most times is bad sex, every body likes pleasure, so if all he's asking for is pleasure why not give him? Can I ask you a simple question? How's sex life like in your marriage? For most people it's as easy as instant noodles, two minutes and pssh its over. Sex in marriage should be "Love making" it should be taken slowly, involve a lot of suspense and very pleasurable. And if what you want to achieve is 'sex like a porn star' then you just have to check out the porn star, what makes porn stars tick? What are their secrets?

1. How do you look?

Image is everything, your look as a woman is an important turn on for your spouse, dress seductively for that night, a friend once confided in me that, her husband saw her looking sexy, putting on skimpy things and they headed straight to the bed room.

Men just can't stand seduction, so make sure you dress like a porn star a and make up like a porn star it's the first part of achieving sex like a porn star.

2. Passion: its also very important that you put a lot of passion into love making, a lot of housewives see it as a regular routine, its normal he comes on me, and then its over. Let your passion for it be seen:

The way you move your body.

The way you moan.

The way you touch him.

The way you look at him.

The way you respond to him.

3. Talk: Sex is a conversation between lovers, however you are to talk with every single part of your body.

Just as moaning and your body rhythm tells your spouse he's communicating, total silence distracts him, it makes him feel he's not getting it right. Talk with your body and speak if you want to be touched in a particular place.

4. Oral sex: we all have our different views on oral sex, but if you ask men most men want a blow job. It doesn't make sense for you to frown at oral sex, if someone else is giving him outside. If you ask me I'll do any thing to save my home even a blowjob.

5. Learn on the job. While men want to get married to good girls, they want the bad girls to satisfy their libido, most times they live in both worlds, if you ask me good girls don't get married: so long as you are married you're having sex so enjoy it well, do all you can to learn all the tricks bad girls use to hook your husband out there so that he can eat his cake and have it. all the best!

How to Get Your Woman Crying Out to Have Sex With You

For some men, they wished they knew the secrets, while some are to preoccupied with themselves to bother about getting their lady to respond.

There are secrets that make a woman to readily respond to sex and enjoy it. If you can make a woman to enjoy sex, she will give you a good time too in return. And you can bet that she will not readily let go of you.

She would want to stay with you in the relationship and do all she can to protect you.There are some sensitive parts of a woman that you should pay attention to in order to enjoy her.

Her breasts are one of her most sensitive parts. If you want to get your girl aroused for sex and ready for you instantly, that's the part of her to touch.

Women love it when you touch them there. It stimulates them a lot and gets them in the real mood. Stroke it lovingly over and over, and you will see how she responds to you.

Then, go a bit further and use your mouth on her breast. Pay particular attention to the tip of her breast (her nipple area). That's the part that gets her the most excited and aroused. Your woman will respond to your loving, gently caresses on her is in such a way that makes her ready for the final act of sex.

By stimulating her this way, you are showing that you really love her and want her to enjoy the act.

How would you like to be the person who always has a great time in bed? The people you admire for their great sex life have secret methods and products that they use to their great advantage. You can also get the same secrets here [] and use them to enjoy yourself everyday.