When your marriage ends feeling grief is a natural part of the loss of the family structure and the significant relationship, whether the decision was mutual, or thrust upon you--both parties suffer.
Grief has various stages and the intense emotions that occur can make it difficult to make the many decisions that are required.
In my role as a Life Coach, I rely on both my professional knowledge and personal experience--proffering different options and alternatives for the resolution of issues-- to help couples communicate and negotiate effectively--financial, emotional, dividing tangible possessions and co-parenting.
However, we know that emotions can impair the ability to make informed decisions. This is the reason that I also help divorcing people understand and manage the grief process. Grief is relevant in divorce because everyone is vulnerable to it during and after experiencing a major loss.
Many enter the divorce settlement negotiation in the early stages of grief and vacillate between denial and feelings of sadness, anger and wanting to retaliate. Others readily enter into the acceptance stage; they have made peace with the loss of their marriage and are ready to build a new life--therefore sadness, grief, anger and retaliation are absent. Others systematically diminish the uncomfortable feelings attendant to grief through using alcohol, drugs, work, sex and other self-medication. Some diminish the uncomfortable feelings with sleeping pills and/or antidepressants.
Children are impacted by their own grief and by their parents' grief, especially when parents struggle to make informed decisions regarding their children due to theirs and their children's grief--thus everyone experiences a double dose.
As a relationship coach--or in this case a relationship dissolution coach, I help couples understand and manage their sadness, anger and grief so as to lessen its effects on informed decision-making. For example: "I can see how angry you are and in my experience that is very common and normal." This acknowledgement diminishes the intense feelings and enhances their informed decision making.
For those who are recurrently angry, sad and/or seeking retaliation, I continually empathically acknowledge and normalize their grief, anger, sadness or desire to seek retaliation. For those who are self-medicating or visibly stuck in depression, I encourage additional support--such as accountants, financial planners, lawyers and real estate professionals.
No matter their stage of grief most divorcing people are likely to progress toward acceptance when their grief, sadness, anger and retaliation feelings are recognized and acknowledged.
Most divorcing people are also likely to benefit from the increased trust they feel when I empathically recognize their grief, anger, sadness and desire for retaliation.
Children also benefit from recognition of their feelings and this helps parents advance towards acceptance. As parents move past the early and frequently volatile stages of grief, anger and sadness, and make decisions in the best interest of their children, then the children progress more readily through their grief, sadness and anger.
